Lead me...

5.9.09 10:00AM Sat Lodwar

It's such a ridiculous feeling to have when I'm in this place, but I have the sensation of loneliness, of sorrow brought on not by my surroundings but from another source I'm unsure of. I felt when preparing for this trip a bit unworthy, ill prepared, ill equipped compared to everyone else. What do I have to contribute other than random organizational skills? So far I feel my most worthy asset is to be the reminder of the meals. And the one person I feel closest with on a normal every day basis is not as forthcoming as I would have hoped him to be. These are my own insecurities projecting on him, I'm certain, but it doesn't take away the overall isolation I'm filled with. I know it has nothing to do with me when he chooses others to confide in and brainstorm with because I don't have what it is he's needing help with, but that just frustrates me more. This has much more to do with my own inner-workings than anyone else's, and it's an opportunity to see deeper into myself to find what it is that is truly bothering me. I feel that when I'm in a group of intellectual people, people I admire, I have a hard time not feeling like I don't belong, and therefore trying desperately to prove I do. It's a pattern I've had for a long time, and it hinders me from being myself and comfortable because I'm often times too wrapped up in trying to put my best foot forward. The end result is me tripping over myself, being too loud, too boisterous with ideas when I haven't sat back and really listened to the situation being dealt with.


By feeling left out of the equation it has reminded me of what it felt like to be the baby of the family, the one who hasn't had the same life experience yet, but wants so deeply to be involved. The steps I take to try and get myself through life on my own two feet to prove to everyone that I am able, sometimes cause me to be deaf to those people wanting to help my journey along. As a child of God I feel like that is how we sometimes behave. We think we know everything there is, and we can find it out by ourselves if we don't, with no need of help from anybody... not even God. But we need to be able to step back and say "I don't know everything, and I need help". We're told to give it all up to God and let him guide us, but we need to stop and listen for that to happen. We need to listen.

some thoughts I've brainstormed on being a child of God:

**I'm the baby of the family - which brings joy and tantrums sometimes:)
**Jealousy, anger and envy, never wanting to be left alone
**God is here for us all, whether we are the first born or the last... or the only
**My wishes and wants were pushed aside, my voice unheard, because of all the voices that came before me ...everyone claimed to know more, know better
**Inability to express ourselves in words but rely on tantrums, malice, immoral behavior ... because of fear? because of low self-esteem?
**When we are acting immaturely we are driven by our true fears, our true vulnerabilities

-Nouwen wrote "Have faith he's leading us to a better place"
-"God leads us through it" - Eph 2.6-10