Lead me...

5.9.09 10:00AM Sat Lodwar

It's such a ridiculous feeling to have when I'm in this place, but I have the sensation of loneliness, of sorrow brought on not by my surroundings but from another source I'm unsure of. I felt when preparing for this trip a bit unworthy, ill prepared, ill equipped compared to everyone else. What do I have to contribute other than random organizational skills? So far I feel my most worthy asset is to be the reminder of the meals. And the one person I feel closest with on a normal every day basis is not as forthcoming as I would have hoped him to be. These are my own insecurities projecting on him, I'm certain, but it doesn't take away the overall isolation I'm filled with. I know it has nothing to do with me when he chooses others to confide in and brainstorm with because I don't have what it is he's needing help with, but that just frustrates me more. This has much more to do with my own inner-workings than anyone else's, and it's an opportunity to see deeper into myself to find what it is that is truly bothering me. I feel that when I'm in a group of intellectual people, people I admire, I have a hard time not feeling like I don't belong, and therefore trying desperately to prove I do. It's a pattern I've had for a long time, and it hinders me from being myself and comfortable because I'm often times too wrapped up in trying to put my best foot forward. The end result is me tripping over myself, being too loud, too boisterous with ideas when I haven't sat back and really listened to the situation being dealt with.


By feeling left out of the equation it has reminded me of what it felt like to be the baby of the family, the one who hasn't had the same life experience yet, but wants so deeply to be involved. The steps I take to try and get myself through life on my own two feet to prove to everyone that I am able, sometimes cause me to be deaf to those people wanting to help my journey along. As a child of God I feel like that is how we sometimes behave. We think we know everything there is, and we can find it out by ourselves if we don't, with no need of help from anybody... not even God. But we need to be able to step back and say "I don't know everything, and I need help". We're told to give it all up to God and let him guide us, but we need to stop and listen for that to happen. We need to listen.

some thoughts I've brainstormed on being a child of God:

**I'm the baby of the family - which brings joy and tantrums sometimes:)
**Jealousy, anger and envy, never wanting to be left alone
**God is here for us all, whether we are the first born or the last... or the only
**My wishes and wants were pushed aside, my voice unheard, because of all the voices that came before me ...everyone claimed to know more, know better
**Inability to express ourselves in words but rely on tantrums, malice, immoral behavior ... because of fear? because of low self-esteem?
**When we are acting immaturely we are driven by our true fears, our true vulnerabilities

-Nouwen wrote "Have faith he's leading us to a better place"
-"God leads us through it" - Eph 2.6-10

unlock it, but then what?

Monday Morning: Real Time: LA: October 12th

we had an incredibly surprising church gathering last night.

Surprising in the emotions that came up.
Surprising in the fear that arose.
Surprising in that I never expected to be asked for a secret.
And surprising that I'm not sure I'll stop even though I acknowledge the negativity of it.
But the point is I'm trying.

I suppose that's the purpose of what came out last night. That I acknowledge what i patterns I have created for myself and the weight that came off when i wrote it down, and had it read aloud. We're all broken, I fully embrace that. The best thing that happened was that we shared our brokenness which is a step in the right direction to create a closer family within the church. For so many churches/religions, pretending we don't see is essential in keeping up the facade that everything is perfect. The "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy and the old adage my pastor brought up... "I'll pray for you", are instrumental in keeping the congregation at arm's length from each other and harboring the dark environment that everyone lives in during their day to day existence.

It was dark. It was emotional and shocking. But it was good.

Do I think people will wake up today and stop what they have been secretly participating in? No. That's not what the purpose was. Just waking us all up to the darkness that we keep inside of ourselves and never share with anyone in our lives was helpful i think. I pray that we continue unearthing the secrets we all keep, however painful it may be.

This weekend proved to be much more insightful, heartwarming and awakening than I could have imagined Friday morning.

And I met a new friend:)

prayer mountain

4.9.09 Friday Lodwar

I used the time we spent on Prayer Mountain to brainstorm ideas for my Sunday sermon. I'm a bit nervous so opening the bible and reading passages is helping me figure out what route I want to take. The mountain looks down on the town of Lodwar on one side and the vast, dry river bed on the other... the wind is blowing slightly but other than that the air is filled with a deep silence. Below are some of the passages I have been pondering and some of my thoughts that I've been gathering out of the readings.

Isaiah 2.6-9
The Lord gave watchmen to the city...kept watch for the enemies...God can save the city.. He made this city the way it is so we can seek His ways.

Is. 32.1-8
The honest man has a room in the House of the Lord... the scoundrel who lies and cheats will no longer be respected... the noble man will stand with Jesus

What's the story?

Those who are true in God's love will be saved.
Those who are blind will see.
God's ways are not our way, nor is His time our time.
Sometimes what we think we need is not what God knows we need.
You must stand watch.

When we are given grace from God sometimes we can fail because we forget how to be a child of God

**We are challenged by our daily lives to serve God. Sometimes its harder to see the path to greatness because we are filled with so much pride and greed. Americans are surrounded by so much wealth and we succumb to a life full of things rather than a life full of servitude. Sometimes I feel that although I am in a city full of millions of people I am alone a lot of my day. We are so separated from each other by the way we live. Our security measures, our individual goals and hopes for the future, keep us locked up in our individual worlds... unable to see past our own shadows. We work so hard to essentially secure ourselves a lonely existence. The way the Turkana people live and take care of each other should serve as a great example for all the world. God teaches us to love one another as He loves us. God teaches that family is the most important thing below Him. That strangers should be welcomed as neighbors. He who gives much will get much in return. What I have witnessed here in Lodwar is their ability to love and share with one another. I have witnessed what it truly means to be a family of God, under God, to be God's Children. Their hardwork and dedication reaches to all areas of their lives...to how they raise their children, to how they worship the Lord.

Other possible scriptures

1) Wickedness is undesired in God (Prov 24.1-2)
2) Knowledge is power - be powerful in your love with God (Prov 24.3-4)
3) Be strong and persevere - God will reward those who search for him in times of trouble (Prov 24:10)
4) God speaks in his own way but men may not perceive (Job 33.12-26)
- if you rejoice in God you shall be rewarded - by knowledge, by love, by grace you shall be saved
5) By grace and faith alone we are saved (Eph 2.6-10)
6) Be imitators of God, dearly loved children (Eph 5. 1-2)


My thoughts are just jumbled and completely unqualified to figure this out... but here I go.

These things we see

9:00pm Lodwar 4.9.09 Thursday

We got back from the Bush today feeling much more uplifted and yet still saddened by the day.

It began with the Leadership Summit meeting at the Bishop's church in Nakwamikwi. The musical instruments we all loath were used today by the congregation. Microphones and keyboards drowning out the beautiful sounds of their naturally talented singing voices. I feel collectively we find it all to be a travesty of the church founder to bring that in to this culture... how could they place in the minds of these naturally gifted musicians that they need to amplify and synthesize worship just because the white people suck at it. Sorry, that wasn't nice, but somehow its still true. Our group wishes we had just an ounce of the rhythm and harmony the congregations here possess and we are seeing it morphed into something horrible by the Western way of thinking.

Once I was able to relax about the music the keyboard stopped, the singer slowed down and began to pray and then the most wonderful thing happened. It felt like the wind rose up and began to swirl around me at the exact time that the parishioners began to individually pray out loud. They were praying in Swahili, in Turkana and in English, with a multitude of voices all working together to create a sensation that shuttered through me. I closed my eyes and my body soaked in the sounds of all the worshiping voices, crying out for God to come down and save them.

After the ceremony was finished some of the women came up and grabbed Rachel and I and began to teach us to dance along with the music of the keyboard. Pastor Michael then came around and brought us all individual bracelets, with our names scrawled on them in beads... it brought me to tears.

We went back to the cottage after eating a great meal with the pastors and conversing with the bishop about his family. I was able to get an hours nap in before heading out into the bush. I am always tired, it feels like we go-go-go and don't get much down time to let the body feel the effect of the day. Today was my first day with a little stomach sickness, but by late afternoon I was fine. I pray the morning brings complete relief. We traveled to the bush with an extra truck to carry the food we were going to deliver. We came upon a setting only National Geographic could have prepared me for. As we drove through was used to be a lush forest 50 years ago we see the sparseness mixed with areas of green vegetation. Although it looks ideal we find out it is not suitable for living because of the rainy season that washes the houses away when the area is transformed into a river. We pass large termite hills and stray camels which we must stop for to take pictures. We reach the Lolupe village and are taken aback as the congregation is huddled under the tree, dancing and singing. Posts stand on a broken square, the foundations of a soon to be church building. The people are dressed in traditional wear of a sheet, necklace and jewelry. The men sit on their stools on the outside of the circle... it's clear in this setting that women take up the majority. My mind can't comprehend that something so beautiful can hurt so much. How can this beautiful culture live daily with a level of hunger we can never now. The food we brought will last three days, 1 week if the family combines. The government is only feeding them once a month and usually only corn. The kids are sick, with protruding bellies and hernias. The women are hard workers who bear the child raising, the house work and the business to sustain a family and a husband who doesn't contribute anything. Although this wasn't always the case, since they used to have more success at migrant living as they traveled with their sheep. Although providing all that is needed to survive the women still have no say over their lives or their families well being... it remains in the hands of the fathers and husbands.

The poster child

6:00pm Lodwar, 2.9.09 Wednesday

Arrived shortly after 6pm from our tour to all the 9 churchs the pastors took over/built up. Some churches vary from large structures to a single tree. Its amazing how the followers of each congregation will worship in whatever place they can find. Which made praying for new buildings a difficult thing to do... because I notice that these people don't need buildings to find God, they have already found a path to him without the flashiness we so often find here in America.

While I reflect on the day in the hammock I'm taken back into real time iwth the cries for food from the small children next to our cottage. They sing songs of Happy Birthday and Jesus Loves You to get whatever food we may have. They have learned through the past visitors that by entertaining they can possibly be rewarded. Rachel brought them a bag of trail mix and tried to individually give each child some but it escalated to the children reaching into the fence and trampling on each other. They got shoo'd away by their father.

I can't block the image of all the kids pushing against the grate, crying because the littles ones would get their food taken away. It's the perfect metaphor/example of what it looks like to give from the outside... where is the strength to continue when this is what is caused from it, the crushing of one another to get what's needed to survive. God is working in all of this, I just can't seem to find him easily sometimes.

Her first Foreign Correspondence!!

My friend Jenn, who was on the trip with us, is a reporter for NPR and just published her story yesterday on Marketplace. Below is the link that will take you to the interview and photos.

These are interviews with locals in Lodwar that we met and got to know over our 11 day trip. The purpose of this segment is to give more information on what is really going on in Kenya regarding the drought, the corruption of the government and the effect this has on the people of Lodwar. She covers a lot of ground in the 3 minute segment and has left a lot of listeners with questions, desires to help, and some ignorant comments. Enjoy!

http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2009/09/30/pm-kenya-drought/