Kenya via photos

The slideshow I made of pictures from our trip.

We played it during communion tonight at church, to be inclusive with the theme of Kenya and show the congregation a little of what we experienced when we were there.

What is He asking of me?

12:00pm 9.9.09 Lodwar

There was a New York Times article that just came out discussing the emergency state the Nation of Kenya is facing. The reporter had just spent a week here investigating a lot of what we have been seeing in Lodwar these past two weeks. The issues of Drought, poverty, corruption and death are all listed in this article and have been witnessed first hand by our team. But we continue to see God working in all these peoples hearts a they deal with the extremes of poverty and drought. The thing that I question is how this faith in God is separate from the financial contributions of these religious groups. JR had told us of a group of people in the interior who only support the faith that brings them the resources to live. They feel there is no love if there is no food given. That was such a strong moment for me here in Lodwar, where everywhere we go we are meeting new people who want us to help them. We meet them and get to know them and then they become comfortable with us and proceed to ask us to sponsor their children, pay for their book publishing and generally give them money. Sometimes this progression takes days of meetings and sometimes the relationship is quick in growth, within 10 minutes in come cases. It made me resentful and angry at first but I slowly came to the realization that I might do the same thing if I was in their shoes. Here come the white men who have helped various people in our community, maybe today will be my lucky day. If we think about similarity in our lives in America I only have to think of scenarios close to my profession of acting. If I don't have the money to make a picture I negotiate with producers to lend me the money. In America its business and savvy negotiating. Big hotel/casinos go up in Vegas every year by selling financiers their profit ideas and investment goals. In Kenya, lives aren't profitable, their expenses. In Kenya it's called begging and handouts and it's negatively looked down upon. Why? We are all trying to survive and the religious organizations have been the source of life here in these small villages. Why shouldn't they ask for support. Why is there shame involved?

The drought is not the only reason for lack of water in this area. The institution of dams in the Northern areas of Kenya, Southern Ethiopia, has caused an immense water shortage the for the Rift Valley. These dams are being built for irrigation and power in the north but are constructed with out any thought of the havoc it wreaks in this region. When we visited the lake yesterday the pastors wives told us that the plans for Ethiopia to build their dam on the River Omo will result in this lake slowly disappearing. They pray to God and hope He will stop it from happening. I just listen in shock and despair. Its hard to argue that God may not do anything about it because you are arguing against their coping mechanisms. If they don't have their extreme unwavering faith, what are they left with?

We were discussing this last night, the idea that the faith they possess is a bit overzealous and impossible to a lot of us. They put in Gods hand everything that happens to them here. Whether its the drought the sickness or getting work each day. They pray and hope for the best while the worst slaps them int he face everyday. But what else is there when they have such an extreme incredulous lack of power over their lives? They depend on outside forces to give them what they need because all they know resides in a Land that has been depleted of its resources. What do they do? What are our words of advice having never been faced with even a day of what these people put up with?

That's what been so frustrating with the Solis Foundation. Although this people are survivors in the worst possible conditions, their imaginations can not fathom some of the business ideas that could be of some benefit to them. So they continue to produce ideas for selling the same old thing in a town full of replicate stories who are going out of business, for lack of demand. We have all been affected by this in ways some of us still don't understand and haven't felt. But the question looms of what to do with that knowledge. What is our next step, knowing that we are only on person, one small group, one small church? How doe we move forward, and know that whatever we do is a small piece of sand in a termite hill compared to the problems facing not only this town but the majority of the countries in Africa?

We move forward, we press on, we look forward to drinking and dancing in Nairobi. We live each day with this reminder or we forget it eventually in the hustle and bustle of our life in LA. I hope for the former and pray for God to provide me with the way, the heart and the courage to persist. I awake with a new found goal each day to bring relief one step at a time to the people I have grown to love and cherish. I hope for my basket enterprise., my jewelry exporting and whatever else my feeble soul can turn into fortune for these people. I've seen it happen, I know there's a way, I just don't understand how to get there yet.

How do I return home to a life that surrounds me with excess? I move ahead with my plans of massage, of acting, of grabbing money to make a living so I can create a business that makes a living for other people. I will be committed to this idea to this new way of intentionality in my life. I will exercise everyday, eat whatever amount keeps me surviving and no more, I will drink in limited amounts and I will commit my life to t organized aid to the friends that need me. In both LA and in Africa. God calls each of us to provide a better life for someone else and that will be my focus.

10pm Tuesday Lodwar 9.8.09

Just got into bed after a very long days journey to the lake. It ended well but began quite low and had some bumps along the way.

I woke up this morning feeling a very high level of annoyance, anger and frustration at no one, and everyone. After last nights meeting about the status of Solis, and realizing my status in the group, I woke up with a bug that wouldn't go away. There has been this underlying feeling of hopelessness, powerlessness and sadness when it comes to the Solis work. None of these prospective businesses are anywhere near being viable options for our grants yet we are forces to choose from these groups. They were thrown together and haven't had any mentoring or training so although I sympathize with the director about giving the funds soon because of our two year fiasco, I think we're putting money and energy into a black hole. Fortunately they all saw it that way this morning and got it across toe everyone at the town meeting. They need mentoring, training and imaginative business ideas.

Which reminds me, I'm not letting go of my basket idea. I'm going to have to place a considerable amount of energy into it when I return home. I have aspirations to be able to make this a large exporting business, as well as use the funds for the Unembraced and to sponsor children.

After the meeting we headed to lunch with the pastors and their wives. We gave our gifts and ended up creating a small LA baseball team:) I was given a very pretty bracelet by Consolata, Charles wife. She was so helpful with the translations this morning. One of the biggest surprises is how young all these people are and how old they all look. The heat, hard labor and intense hunger can do that I guess.

So after lunch we took off on our 2 hour drive to Eliye Springs - located at the Southern end of Lake Turkana.

Jumbled thoughts

7.9.09 4:30pm

We left this morning for an hour and a half drive through Northwestern Kenya to Kakuma. The trip was to see the Refugee Camp laced there in Kakuma filled with 45000 displaced people from Ethiopia, Sudan, Uganda, Rwanda, Congo and Somalia. Most of the people came here because of conflicts and fighting in their own countries. We were a but uncertain abut our trip this morning because we all felt lackluster about viewing more desolation and anguish. But Jenn convinced us of the reason to go... seeing new landscape, viewing the conditions because its a direct correlation to Lodwar conditions... so we went. When we arrived and began to see for ourselves the state the camp was in we were surprisingly shocked. The refugees get food twice a month, have much commerce, good medical care, schools work and materials to make houses. They also have water tanks and security. It was almost sad to see that these people are much more cared for by the UN than the people in the interior of Kenya, where they lack water food and clothing. The IDP camps in Napetet were made up Kenyans who were sent back home from Nairobi during the post election violence...but because they were one of the last camps they were placed on a lot and forgotten about. Thanks to the IRC they were given a water well but no food so it was a shock to see the Refugees living in a better situation. It also made us question how much truth we were really receiving... because of the way were were toured around, the way they answered our questions and the fact that journalists aren't allowed in. But refugee camps in Rwanda, Congo, Uganda and Sudan are much worse off, very unsafe and poorly put together because of the rate they go up to house the immense homelessness that springs up so fast. This camp seems like a well oiled machine, having been put up 18 years ago and having worked out its initial kinks. It feels like a large village as opposed to a camp. There is limited violence in this area of Africa right now. The Somalians fill the camp because of the strife going on back home between the Bantu's and the Kushites.

I feel safe here in Kenya, surrounded by thousands of people who had to flee here because of the neighboring countries where safety isn't so easily found. What I found most interesting was the way that the camp segregated the refugees into their different areas according to their country of origin. Each culture went on with life in their own way as if they never had to assimilate. Their is little Ethiopia which is the most advanced because they have been here the longest. That is where we decided to eat lunch for the day. The food was amazing and it was quite evident that just because they were refugees here didn't mean they were lacking money. A lot of them put their money away in banks and got it out when they got to the camp, so they could start their business up. These people are very adept at creating a business and making a living. The Somalia tribes continue to practice Polygamy in the camp so their compounds are much larger. Polygamy is still occurring in the interior of Kenya as well but the religious groups are slowly reaching out to stop that custom... which for no other reason I feel it would largely help the financial problems and the starvation aspect for families if the husbands wouldn't take on so many wives and have so many children.

We headed back to Lodwar around 3 after we took a tour of the churches there in Kakuma and walked around the town. I'm seriously uncertain of my feelings toward the pastors and their churches in the Pentecostal Faith. As a liberal christian I am disheartened by their interest in building bigger and flashier buildings, and asking the poor congregation to aid them in that venture. The congregation doesn't even have the money to survive and the parishioners are telling them they have a financial responsibility to the church. I am willing to admit I don't have all the information to completely have an opinion on this, but right now I can't fight the feeling of being appalled. I am also struggling with those who ask us for individual sponsorships, extra money and help for their businesses any chance they get. They will single us out any time we are hanging around to ask us these questions, and as uncomfortable as I feel I also can't say that I wouldn't do that if I was in their position. Their taking their opportunity at being sponsored any way they can.

I'm so confused and sad. And tired.

Mimi siwezi Kuponya, yesu ndye anaponya...

Sunday 6.9.09 Lodwar 10:00pm

I spoke today at church, with a sermon I wrote about being a child of God. Having no experience I had no idea what to preach about but once I started brainstorming I found signs feeding me information on my topic. I thank God for guiding me through and placing me at a church that was helpful and loving to me. Pastor Dalmas and Sara took care of me and the congregation was very sweet. My sermon was exceptionally memorable or perfectly presented, but it was from the heart so that's what I had to offer.

We spent the rest of the day delivering food to the Unembraced and Napetet IDP (internally displaced people). The inhabitants of the IDP camp were left with no water source, no houses or schools and barely enough food from the government to survive. Kids everywhere are so sweet and trusting and want to touch us... they squirm into the crowd and force themselves on to us just to touch our skin. When we went to Soweto they chanted my name, it was very moving. They have so much energy... always wanting to play, to be held, to touch.

Lead me...

5.9.09 10:00AM Sat Lodwar

It's such a ridiculous feeling to have when I'm in this place, but I have the sensation of loneliness, of sorrow brought on not by my surroundings but from another source I'm unsure of. I felt when preparing for this trip a bit unworthy, ill prepared, ill equipped compared to everyone else. What do I have to contribute other than random organizational skills? So far I feel my most worthy asset is to be the reminder of the meals. And the one person I feel closest with on a normal every day basis is not as forthcoming as I would have hoped him to be. These are my own insecurities projecting on him, I'm certain, but it doesn't take away the overall isolation I'm filled with. I know it has nothing to do with me when he chooses others to confide in and brainstorm with because I don't have what it is he's needing help with, but that just frustrates me more. This has much more to do with my own inner-workings than anyone else's, and it's an opportunity to see deeper into myself to find what it is that is truly bothering me. I feel that when I'm in a group of intellectual people, people I admire, I have a hard time not feeling like I don't belong, and therefore trying desperately to prove I do. It's a pattern I've had for a long time, and it hinders me from being myself and comfortable because I'm often times too wrapped up in trying to put my best foot forward. The end result is me tripping over myself, being too loud, too boisterous with ideas when I haven't sat back and really listened to the situation being dealt with.


By feeling left out of the equation it has reminded me of what it felt like to be the baby of the family, the one who hasn't had the same life experience yet, but wants so deeply to be involved. The steps I take to try and get myself through life on my own two feet to prove to everyone that I am able, sometimes cause me to be deaf to those people wanting to help my journey along. As a child of God I feel like that is how we sometimes behave. We think we know everything there is, and we can find it out by ourselves if we don't, with no need of help from anybody... not even God. But we need to be able to step back and say "I don't know everything, and I need help". We're told to give it all up to God and let him guide us, but we need to stop and listen for that to happen. We need to listen.

some thoughts I've brainstormed on being a child of God:

**I'm the baby of the family - which brings joy and tantrums sometimes:)
**Jealousy, anger and envy, never wanting to be left alone
**God is here for us all, whether we are the first born or the last... or the only
**My wishes and wants were pushed aside, my voice unheard, because of all the voices that came before me ...everyone claimed to know more, know better
**Inability to express ourselves in words but rely on tantrums, malice, immoral behavior ... because of fear? because of low self-esteem?
**When we are acting immaturely we are driven by our true fears, our true vulnerabilities

-Nouwen wrote "Have faith he's leading us to a better place"
-"God leads us through it" - Eph 2.6-10

unlock it, but then what?

Monday Morning: Real Time: LA: October 12th

we had an incredibly surprising church gathering last night.

Surprising in the emotions that came up.
Surprising in the fear that arose.
Surprising in that I never expected to be asked for a secret.
And surprising that I'm not sure I'll stop even though I acknowledge the negativity of it.
But the point is I'm trying.

I suppose that's the purpose of what came out last night. That I acknowledge what i patterns I have created for myself and the weight that came off when i wrote it down, and had it read aloud. We're all broken, I fully embrace that. The best thing that happened was that we shared our brokenness which is a step in the right direction to create a closer family within the church. For so many churches/religions, pretending we don't see is essential in keeping up the facade that everything is perfect. The "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy and the old adage my pastor brought up... "I'll pray for you", are instrumental in keeping the congregation at arm's length from each other and harboring the dark environment that everyone lives in during their day to day existence.

It was dark. It was emotional and shocking. But it was good.

Do I think people will wake up today and stop what they have been secretly participating in? No. That's not what the purpose was. Just waking us all up to the darkness that we keep inside of ourselves and never share with anyone in our lives was helpful i think. I pray that we continue unearthing the secrets we all keep, however painful it may be.

This weekend proved to be much more insightful, heartwarming and awakening than I could have imagined Friday morning.

And I met a new friend:)